


Rain Day (君の思い出）

by blueishday



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Smut, actually really mild smut, i'm sorry it's angst, it's actually happy ending (in my opinion)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:01:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27778780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueishday/pseuds/blueishday
Summary: “I just feel like I have to say it, sometimes I feel like you’ll leave me behind” Chinen smiles bitterly as he said that.“That’s impossible, Chii. I love you and I’ll never leave you, got it?”
Relationships: Chinen Yuri/Yamada Ryosuke
Kudos: 5





	1. In Your Arms

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! It's actually a fanfiction which I had written 2 years ago without ever finishing it. The first chapter was written 2 years ago, though I change it a bit, it might seem kinda different than the other chapters. I completed this to celebrate Chinen's birthday as well me coming back to this fandom (yeay!)
> 
> There's a major character death because I like to hurt myself, but in my opinion, it has a happy ending.
> 
> So hope you enjoy this ride whoever read this <3

The sky is getting darker and the sound of the storm could be heard easily from the stillness inside the room. He is waiting, waiting for his lover. The older always comes home late, but he will keep waiting. He hasn’t met him for weeks outside their works and he misses him like crazy. Misses him as his lover. The older’s filming is actually already done but the producer wants him to do some re-act for some scenes and so he has to wait more, and he almost couldn’t wait anymore.

The door squeaked a little because of the wet floor. He turns his head immediately as soon as he heard the footsteps.

“Sorry I’m late, Yuri,” that person said with that familiar smiles but slightly frowning eyebrows, showing his apology. He closes the door quickly to prevent the rainwater from entering the apartment.

“No, it’s okay. At least you do appear this time.” The man called "Yuri" said as he walks to the slightly taller man, hugging him, remembering his figure before they will apart again. His hair is slightly wet by the rain, and his perfume mixed with rain scent calmed him.

“How was your day?” he asks, patting the younger man’s head. He draws his finger gently on his lover’s hair. The younger let go of the latter and smiling at him as he answered “Just like usual, works. Photoshoot, interview, variety. I’m quite tired.”

“Let’s rest and cuddle then?” Yamada said as he chuckled. He let go of the boy and taking his hand, walking them to Chinen―or their bedroom.

“Oh wait, you should take a bath, Ryosuke. You’re wet” Chinen said, tugging at his lover’s arm.

“But I’m so tired, Chii” Yamada tried to persuade his lover to straight away cuddle and sleep on the soft mattress. 

“At least change your wet clothes,” Chinen said, already pulling Yamada to the bathroom.

“Okay, okay” he answered, he’s really tired but the concern on his lover’s face changes his mind.

Yamada is just done changing his clothes when he feels a soft fabric of a towel on his head.

“Sit on the sofa, I will dry your hair” Yamada gladly do as Chinen said. He sits on the sofa while Chinen fetches the hairdryer. Chinen brushes Yamada’s hair lightly with the towel. His soft touch makes Yamada relax. After it’s half dry, he uses the hairdryer to dry Yamada’s hair completely.

After he’s done, Yamada immediately stands up and holds Chinen's hand toward their bedroom. He slumped down to the bed, gesturing the other boy to follow him. Chinen moves to the bed, positioning himself to the latter’s arm. It’s freezing cold before but now the warmth emanating from the older’s body envelops him. Now, together in their little space without any lingering eyes watching them. He hoped that somehow the time stops. Trapped them in the time. So that he didn’t have to worry about letting him go again. He didn’t have to worry that his lover spent too much time working and breaking himself. He also didn’t need to put another mask on whenever they’re in front of the media. In silence, Yamada leaning down and kiss Chinen’s head.

”Everyone really busy these days, huh? I really want to hug and kiss you every time we gather for JUMP events but it even hardly happened.”

“Yup, and you always come home late and wake up too early. I can only know that you were there when I saw the bedsheets beside me a little messy.” Chinen continued while pouting. Yamada chuckled, leaning closer to the smaller boy to feel his warmth.

“Sorry, filming takes a lot of time. I’m happy that today is an exception and I could meet you sooner though” Yamada said.

“I’ll forgive you if you give me a kiss” Chinen smiled. Yamada leaning down, holding Chinen’s cheek, and kiss him softly. It’s just a simple kiss but it’s enough to show his affection toward the younger.

He let go after a while and kiss Chinen’s forehead. Chinen’s smile getting wider and he put his head on the older chest. His bigger figure makes him feel safe. They stay like that while talking a lot of things, relieving themselves with each other warmth, until their tiredness drifts them away to the land of dreams.

Chinen wakes up from the soft light of the sun from the window. He blinks twice until his eyes got used to the light. He sits on the bed and realizes that Yamada is not beside him anymore. He hears some voice from the kitchen and guessing that Yamada is cooking their breakfast. He freshens himself and then walks out of their bedroom to search for his lover.

“Morning Yuri, you wake up at the right time. The breakfast is ready” Yamada said while smiling and putting down the plate with two pancakes on it. The sweet smell wakes him completely. Yamada sits in front of him, putting some strawberries on his pancake.

“Itadakimasu!”

Chinen smiles at the view in front of him. The last time they were having breakfast together has been a long time. The way Yamada eating excitedly is really cute and he feels so happy right now.

“Ryosuke” he calls out.

“Hm?” Yamada looks up from his plate and swallows his last bite.

“I love you,” Chinen said, looking straight to Yamada and smiling. Yamada’s face getting red as he hears the sudden confession.

“Eh? What’s wrong Chii? That’s unusual” He said while blushing, it’s so rare to hear Chinen saying such sweet words and even right after he wakes up.

“I just feel like I have to say it, sometimes I feel like you’ll leave me behind” Chinen smiles bitterly as he said that, he starts to cut the pancakes and eat them.

“That’s impossible, Chii. I love you and I’ll never leave you, got it?” he stands up, holding the plate and kiss Chinen’s forehead before walking to the sink.

“Are you going to the filming?” Chinen asks as he continues eating. The sweet taste makes him smile a bit. Yamada’s cooking sure is delicious.

“Ah, yes I’ll be going at 10.00…it’s the last filming though” Yamada answer after looking at the watch. There are still three hours to go.

“Are you gonna be home late again? Or are you even able to come here?” Chinen asks again, the feeling of loneliness fills him again. He wanted to be with him. But he knows that they’re a public figure with a lot of risks. He realizes that even though it’s the last filming, there’s no guarantee it will end sooner and almost no possibility to make a celebration because he’s too busy and there’s a new drama already waiting for his Ryosuke.

“Yes, sorry Chii, it seems that I can’t even come here because I have to do some stuff for work on the next day…and maybe for the new drama” Yamada answer with an apologetic face. His lover seems to be more down and he feels really bad, he knows that his field of work and this is the consequences, leaving his loved ones, but still, looking at Chinen’s sad face makes him feel guilty. They hardly spend time together these days, and after being together for only a night he had to leave him again.

“Then, hold me now,” Chinen said directly to Yamada’s ear beside him. Yamada didn’t realize Chinen is already finished and now behind him, hugging him tightly. Yamada is surprised. He almost drops the plate on his hand. 

“There are still three more hours, and I don’t know when we are going to be together again,” Chinen said. “I want to make love before we apart again,” He said bluntly. The older is quite shocked to hear the frank words from his lover, though he positively wouldn’t refuse.

Yamada takes Chinen’s plate and finishes his work quickly. He turns around to find Chinen smiling.

“Let’s go then,” Chinen said, holding Yamada’s hand and drag him to his bedroom. After they’re inside, he closes his bedroom door and slumps down to the bed.

“Come here, Ryosuke,” He said. Yamada walks to the bed and places himself on top of Chinen. He leans down and kisses Chinen, first softly and then he deepened the kiss. He licks Chinen’s bottom lips and enters his tongue. Chinen tastes sweet, and he tastes even sweeter now, probably because of the pancake. After a while, he let go and kiss Chinen's neck down to his collarbone.

“Ngh, Ryosuke” Chinen calls out softly, Yamada kiss Chinen’s neck again and make a kiss mark there. He then pulls off Chinen’s shirt, helped by Chinen, then he kisses Chinen’s chest, his nipple, tasting his sweet skin.

“I love you so much, Yuri,” Yamada said between his kisses until Chinen stops him.

“Let me help you,” Chinen said as he switches the position, pulls off Yamada’s shirt, and kissing his neck and chest. He then pulls off Yamada’s pants, feeling Yamada’s excitements. Yamada moans a bit and Chinen smiled hearing that.

“We’ll just do it slowly, okay?” he said.

“I want it to be like our first time” he continued, he moves forward and kisses Yamada as he slips in his hand to stroke him slowly. After a while, he let go and Yamada switches their position again. He kisses Chinen again, then pulls off his pants. He hugs Chinen, feeling his warmth. He kisses Chinen’s ear.

“Eum, it’s tickle, Ryosuke,” Chinen said, his body shivered. Yamada kisses him again as he slips in his finger to prepare the younger. He then uses the lube and positioned himself.

“I’m going in, okay?” He said which responded by Chinen with a nod. Yamada moves slowly, remembering his lover’s body before they set apart again. Chinen’s voice is a melody for his ear and he wants to hear his voice every time, even thinking to record Chinen’s voice to soothe him on his busy days.

“Ah, Ryosuke, I love you…” Chinen said between his moans. Yamada could feel that Chinen is getting closer so he moves faster while kissing him again. He carved his existence deep within him. Their breath sounds rhythmical. Even after he’s done, feeling the tension dissipated, he still didn’t want to let him go. They stayed like that, counting the minutes they had left of feeling each other’s warmth.

“Hey, just call me if anything happened, okay?” Yamada said as he wears his shoes in the hallway, his hair is still messy, but who cares, it’ll be done by the makeover.

“What if the problem is that I miss you?” Chinen asks as he helps Yamada fixing his clothes. He smiled teasingly, trying to make the older blushing because he knows Yamada is weak for his sweet words.

“Well, I guess it’s okay too” Yamada chuckled, obviously shy, even after years of being together. Chinen’s smile getting wider when he hear that answer.

“A good luck charm for the last filming” he gives Yamada a quick kiss.

The older’s smile looks so dazzling and deeply in love “Okay, I’ll be going” he said as he turns the doorknob and walks out.

Chinen is getting ready for his work in the afternoon. There are only a few works today so he decided to wear something simpler until he realizes something.

He moves closer to the mirror, hoping that he just seeing it wrong but the deep red color betrays him. ‘Akh…stupid Ryosuke.’ The kiss mark reminds him of their session, and his cheeks getting red.

“Ah well, I guess I have to bear wearing something to cover my neck.” He said with a sigh. He uses Yamada’s concealer to hide the marks, but feeling rather anxious he wears a scarf to cover his pale neck.

Chinen had finished his work early today. This month is not really hectic for him. He greets and says goodbye to the staff. As he walks out of the building, he gives Yamada a quick message.

> _“I just finished with my work today._
> 
> _Hope the filming went well ^^”_

He didn’t expect Yamada to reply to his message as he knows that his lover is really busy. He walks to Akihabara, spending some time in stores, mostly game store. Walking along the line of stores, he decided to spend some time in the book store. He just looks around, reading some magazine, and chuckles a little when he found JUMP or Yamada's pictures. He's not looking for certain things and decided to leave until he notices a certain shelf that caught his eyes.

"Cakes" he whispers to himself, then he just remembers about Yamada.

"Will he like it?" he asked himself, they couldn't celebrate his finished filming, but he could at least give him something, he could imagine Yamada crying and confused face because it's so rare for Chinen to give him something unless it's his birthday.

He takes the book, looking through the pages to find the recipe, and smiles widely while he scans through the steps. It seems simple and he really hopes he can finish it safely this time. He buys the book and excitedly runs to get the stuff he needs for his plan.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

His phone ring as Chinen just got into his apartment. He put his stuff on the table before picking up his phone. His heart throbs as he read the name on his screen, he answers immediately.

"Ryosuke?" he calls out, he didn't expect him to call because he’s guessing the older still busy with his filming.

"Yuri! The producer says that I'm doing great and it's really the end of the filming, are you home right now? Can I come?" he said in rush, Chinen could imagine that his Ryosuke smiling and getting excited like a child right now.

"Yes, I'm home, Ryosuke. You can come" he answered, smiling.

"I'll come as soon as possible, it's quite far so I guess I'll arrive around 10. I’ll have to attend the after-party for a bit"

"It's okay, I'll wait"

The call end quickly. Chinen got into his bedroom, take a bath, relaxing himself from the tiredness of work. His tense muscle loosens from the warm water.

He then takes out his stuff from the stores he visited. He continues with his plan, mixing flour and eggs guide by the recipe book. He rarely cooks so he's quite surprised he finish the dough smoothly without any problem. He just hopes that he really put sugar and not salt into it. Just at the same time the cake finished, the voice of thunder startled him. It's started to rain heavily outside.

"Ah did he brought his umbrella?" he asks himself. Feeling worried that the older had to get through the heavy rain and ended up sick.

He picks up his phone, dialing the older number.

"Ah Chii, what's wrong?" the older asks.

"Did you bring your umbrella? It’s raining quite heavily" The concern clearly laced his voice.

“Yes, fortunately, it's in my bag. I'm on the train now" he answered, earning a pleased smile on the younger’s face.

"That's good, I'll be waiting then"

The phone ended and he goes back to his business and cleaning the mess he made. He then rests on his sofa, the sofa from Yamada while waiting for him. His tired body slowly feeling heavier and his eyelids slowly closed.

"Uh," he groans a bit as he wakes up, blinking his eyes twice then shift his gaze to the clock. It's been 2 hours since he called Ryosuke.

He picks up his phone and dials the number again. The older pick it up on the third ring.

"Chii! I'm on my way to your house now!", he said excitedly, without waiting for any words from his lover.

"Really? Should I go out to take you?" Chinen asks. The obvious happy emotion seems to be contagious.

"No, no. You'll get wet, I'm close so it's okay"

"Okay then, I love you," Chinen said while smiling. Feeling rather cheesy himself from confessing his love so often these last two days. He could hear the little happy voice Ryosuke let out between his hard puffs of breath from running just before he hears the voice of a car's wheels screeching.

"I lo--" Yamada's voice stopped as he could hear a voice of a really loud bump, more of tires screeching, the voice of the rain and something falling on the hard asphalt.

"R-Ryosuke?!?" he called out in panic, his smiling face quickly turns to a scared one. His heart feels like it suddenly stops.

"Ryosuke! Answer me! What happen?!?" he's literally screaming right now as he runs out, taking his umbrella.

"Yu...ri" he could hear it slightly, the voice of the man he loves, calling out his name quietly, his voice sounds hoarse. Chinen could feel his heart thumping so hard like it could burst out from his chest.

"Ryosuke! hold on! I'll come!!"

He still holding his phone to his ear, hoping to hear something as he runs off from his house.

It's not far from his house. He could see it, someone's there, laying on the side of the street, blood splatter around the body, but there's no car around even a single human. It’s usually crowded with people walking around or lining up for the bus, but because of the heavy rain, everyone didn’t dare to go out.

"R-Ryosuke!" he calls out, hurriedly run to his lover's side, forgetting his umbrella. He dials the hospital number but his hand trembling hard and he nearly crying now, a long time struggling with his fear, he finally manages to get connected to the hospital.

"Ryosuke, Ryosuke! Please answer me, open your eyes please!" he begs as he hugs the bloody body. He caresses his cheek, removing the hair strands on his lover's face. The blood now could be seen more clearly draining the older’s clothes.

"Ryosuke, it'll be alright...please hold on," he said as he holds the latter hand and kisses his forehead as he tries to calm himself.

Not long after the siren could be heard and the ambulance drove in full speed, but it seems like slow motion for Chinen. He wipes the tears that escaped his eyes harshly, trying to control his emotion. He tightens his grip on his lover's hand, hoping to get some reaction while praying silently.

And he did get one.

Yamada returns his grip weakly, earning full attention from the younger. He looks like he’s trying so hard to stay conscious, his pale face now seems to be drained from any color.

"Ryosuke!!" Chinen shouts loudly that the paramedic quickly moves to their side.

Yamada smiles weakly and moves his hand, trying to caress his lover's cheek to wipe off the tears, but his hand falls down before he manages to. Chinen holds Ryosuke's hand, feeling the warmth that still remained on his cheek.

"Don't cry" Ryosuke said as he holds the pain in his body, the paramedics checking him and trying to make his conditions stable.

Chinen cries even harder and moves closer to Ryosuke. He's really afraid, he got a bad feeling about this.

And his emotion turns chaotic when his lover asks him to get closer and whisper something to his ear.

"I love you," Ryosuke said, his usually gentle voice now sounds trembling and stifled. Ryosuke's eyes closed again and the paramedics shouting something to their colleagues, trying to get back Ryosuke's consciousness. Chinen's mind is in a mess and the voices around him sound distant. Ryosuke's voice and that sweet words still linger and keep replaying in his brain.

Yamada's family arrives in the hospital one hour after Ryosuke gets inside the emergency room. Worries clearly plastered on their faces, the mother seems trying hard to hold her tears, but he didn't dare to approach them. He stays silent until JUMP members arrive and stay by his side, saying lots of soothing words to calm him. Convincing him that Ryosuke will be alright, and Yuri smiles weakly for their company.

But things don't go as they've hoped. The doctor goes out of the emergency room, saying sorry to Ryosuke's family and they broke down, crying loudly just from those words. The hit has affected his head badly when he was thrown and hit his head on the side of the street resulting in a concussion. The bleeding inside his head is severe that they can’t save him in time. JUMP members seem still froze in shock and looking frustrated. And in a second they started to cry too, including Yuri who cried silently with a blank expression.

_"And you just promised me this morning to never leave me"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you think of this first chapter? Well, love comes and goes as well as the person.


	2. Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He put on the concealer on his eyebags, trying hard to hide his misery. The last time he wears it was to cover the kiss mark left by his Ryosuke, but now he needs it to cover his eye bags and puffy eyes from numerous crying. What a joke.

It's been four years since the news shocked the whole of Japan. The loss of the loved figure, the talented actor, and the beloved member of the popular idol group. The fans still grieving for his departure, but slowly, as months and years pass by, the group returns with a smile, to assure their fans that they're still here and things back just like before.

But for that one person, every time he opens his eyes for a new day, he silently wishes he's not really waking up. And in his dream, in his day, he still didn't get used to the absence of that one person. Every time he wakes up, he calls his name unconsciously only to be reminded that _he's not here anymore._

________________________________________

_“I just feel like I have to say it, sometimes I feel like you’ll leave me behind,” he said._

_The older smiled at the statement, his smile a bit sad like he’s sorry for disappointing the younger, yet he tries to reassure him._

_“That’s impossible, Chii. I love you and I’ll never leave you, got it?” he stands up, holding the plate, and kiss the younger forehead. The kiss is short, but the latter could feel the warmth from his lips lingering on his forehead. The kiss was so gentle he could feel the love the older feel for him._

"Chinen!" a guy in his mid-twenties knocks on the door in front of him numerous times, trying to get the attention of someone inside the apartment.

The younger guy inside wakes up with a throbbing head and loud groan as he realizes the loud noise his friend makes. He walks slowly to the door of his living space and opens the door just before his friend knock on his door again.

"Ah, finally you wake up," he says, looking relieved and smiles a little.

"Of course, anyone will wake up if someone knocks on their door loudly unless they're dead," he said without showing any expression, letting the older step inside his home.

"Chinen" he smiles a little when his friend calls his name, sounds a bit worried.

"Then why are you here, Keito?" Chinen asks, breaking the minutes of silence between them.

"Ah, I almost forgot" Keito sit on the sofa and put the brown paper bag he's been holding to the table in front of him.

"I brought you gyoza, I'm guessing you haven't eaten, and seems that I'm right" The younger smiles widely when he hear the older's statement.

"Thanks, Keito, you are really a big help" he cheerfully responded, throwing himself to the sofa, sitting next to his friend.

Keito stares at his little friend, feeling quite relieved seeing him munching his food happily.

These past years have been chaotic, the atmosphere in their group has changed. No one really dares to mention the name of their late member, especially in front of the youngest member in the group.

Everyone knew about their relationship, even though the couple never said it out loud. It’s hard to move on, especially if you have been working together for years. They all have struggled, laughing, crying together. And that person, supposedly to be the center, the core of their group. It’s such a heavy responsibility, but they all have supported each other through all these years. Keito himself feel such a great loss, he’s been one of his closest friends, along with Chinen. Being the only child and rarely get any parents' love have made him feel quite lonely, but their presence has made him feel whole again. However, now he’s gone, he can’t hear the loud voice when he’s spouting interesting stories, or when he can’t stop talking about his ‘date’ with Chinen.

“So why are you here again, Keito? Is it only to bring me breakfast?” Chinen’s voice wakes Keito from his thoughts. He then remembers the main purpose for him to come here.

“Oh right, Chinen, we have worked this evening, do you remember?” He asks, though, by the surprised look from the younger, he could already guess the answer.

“Err, sorry, I forgot, I don’t really check my phone either.” He said, frowning a bit and then sighs. He just started to fall asleep after the sun rises, less than three hours before Keito came. He feels so restless and tired, and his eyes feel so aching from lack of sleep and crying. He gets up “I’ll get ready then” his word earns a nod from Keito and then he flew to his bathroom.

The warm bath calms him a little, or maybe more than what he needed because now he could feel himself feeling drowsy. Trying to get himself awake he shakes his head hard, but then he feels so dizzy. Cursing under his breath, he ends his supposedly relaxing bath. He looks at the mirror and he could see the awful state he’s in now. His eye bags so dark, yet a bit swollen, and his face so pale. The obvious loss of weight added more to his already bad state. He feels a bit guilty to his stylist who’s clearly has to work hard again to make himself look appropriate.

He takes one cosmetic product from his makeup pouch, a concealer. He only has some basic necessary product, unlike Yamada who really put attention to his skin and looks. Well, he’s the popular _center_ after all, though there are a few times he tried to put some makeup and his skincare on Chinen, ―which resulted in Chinen got more handsome and beautiful at the same time. Yamada was crying when he saw Chinen, saying to himself that he can’t believe this wonderful person is his. _So silly_ ―Chinen think at that time, but now he’s longing for the silly words of love from his Ryosuke. 

He put on the concealer on his eyebags, trying hard to hide his misery. The last time he wears it was to cover the kiss mark left by his Ryosuke, but now he needs it to cover his eye bags and puffy eyes from numerous crying. _What a joke._

He put on his clothes hurriedly when he realized the time he had spent in the bathroom. When he came out, Keito is already bringing his bag which he always uses to work.

“You still have all your stuff in this bag, right? I checked your phone and it still has some battery left, also your wallet is inside as well,” Keito is already used to Chinen’s new habit since _that day_. Chinen always uses the same bag, never put the stuff out, and usually didn’t use his phone anymore once he got home. Chinen is a bit ashamed―he feels like he’s such a burden to Keito. “If it’s yes then let’s go, the manager is already waiting outside.”

“Yes, let’s go then” he smiled, feeling grateful that after all, the people around him are so attentive towards him.

The weather is quite sunny today, though the freezing wind is still heavy in the air. Clutching their jacket tighter, JUMP members walk inside the building to get their work done. They were led by the staff to the white small room beside the studio to do their makeup done. Divided into four groups, Chinen and Daiki are the first to get their makeup done.

“Oh Chinen-san, your eyebags are horrible! Your sleeping habits seem to get worse” The makeover staff named Aster asks in concern as she put the base for his makeup. “Haha, sorry” Chinen only laugh bitterly hearing her comment. The girl could only sigh softly. She’s been one of JUMP’s makeover staff for years. She knows about everything that happens between the members, and since that incident, she knows that Chinen still can’t move on based on his eye bags and pale face. He’s even getting thinner each year. She’s only a staff but her heart aches to see the youngest member looking fragile like this. She always saw how Yamada takes care of Chinen, and vice versa. She really hoped that they can be happy together forever, but obviously her wish wasn’t granted.

Daiki who heard the small conversation trying to melt the tense atmosphere, but he’s afraid he will say something that will lead things to get worse. “Chinen, have you heard about today’s show?” he asks, after a long ten minutes of choosing a safe topic. Chinen turns his head to look at Daiki beside him “Hm? Haven’t heard of it? What is it?” he asked, now paying full attention to the older. 

“Well, I don’t really know the full content. But I heard there will be some games involving food? Isn’t it good? We could save some money from the free meal” Chinen could hear Daiki explain excitedly that he couldn’t help to let out a soft chuckle. Seeing the reaction, Daiki is happy to see the younger put on a real smile this time. 

“You’re an idol Dai-chan, you have lots of money, why are you being so excited over a free meal,” Chinen said with a giggle. Now in teasing mode, Daiki also tried to tease the latter.

“But you’re even worse Chii! Even your meal always gets paid by Yama―” Before finishing his sentence, Daiki quickly shuts his mouth. He really wants to drown himself right now. _Oh God, I screwed up big time._

Chinen smiles quickly disappear, he seems frozen for a long time when actually it’s just a few seconds. “Haha, you’re right” He laughs, but the smile doesn’t reach up to his eyes. 

Daiki really wants to smack his head right now. Maybe, he should just keep quiet from the beginning. “Sorry” he mutters softly, not sure if he wants the younger to hear it or not. 

Though his mind is still clouded by the past conversations with Dai-chan, Chinen find today’s show quite fun and interesting. There are indeed free foods, they can get the limited premium beef wagyu if they win the games. He can’t help but think about how enthusiastic and happy Ryosuke is if he gets to taste the delicious food, but this time he’s feeling rather than sad, he feels quite nostalgic. The goofiness of the members lighten his heart, and he laughs wholeheartedly. The face and weird sound Inoo made when he had to eat a whole spoon of wasabi paste for his punishment make Chinen laugh so hard his stomach hurt.

Unfortunately, the fun didn’t last that long. After the games, they were asked some questions and the last question caught them off guard. 

“It’s been four years since that incident, so why not set a new center for your group?” A simple question, but the tension quickly thickens, and no one dares to check the youngest condition. 

A few seconds feels like years―Yabu answered the question “Even though one of us has left early, JUMP is still nine, Yamada is still our center forever.” 

After the show, all the members quickly dismissed and collecting their stuff. Hikaru, who was silent for a little while suddenly broke the silence. 

“Hey guys, why don’t we get some dinner together? It’s been a while” He said, which picked up the interest from the members. 

“Oh, good idea, we should do some bonding once in a while,” He said with a smile which makes his eyes disappeared. The other members also agree with the suggestions, it’s quite rare that they are all free, and it’s such a waste to let this opportunity go away.

They started to tidy up their stuff and get ready for their dinner until someone came up and stop them from their activities. 

“Auntie…” The first member who notices is Keito. He’s quite startled by the sudden appearance of the familiar women. 

The other is also a bit shocked, but they still remember some manners to greet the older women. Different than the other, rather than awkward, Chinen feels a bit afraid and guilty towards the lady he also ever thought of as his other mother.

“Hello everyone, it’s been a while,” she said with the same soft manner as he always remembers.

She looks at the members before she shifted her glance and look at Chinen. Chinen is in dilemma, he still remembers the last time they met, and it still left a bitter taste for him. 

Not like what he expected, she smiled right at him. “It’s might a bit sudden, but can I borrow Yuri-chan,” she said to the other members which earn a confused nod―and a hesitant glance from Chinen. Saying he’s shocked is an understatement. Well, meeting the mother of your late lover after years without contact is a bit heartbreaking right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chinen meets Ryosuke's mother after years, so what will happen?


	3. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smiling bitterly, Chinen walks along the shelf decorated with their photos. He feels so nostalgic. Every moment inside the photos seems to replay right in front of him. Ryosuke’s happy smile when they ran along the shore with an inch thick jacket and cold winter wind freezing their hands. The usually crowded beach now empty, only filled by their laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note; the italic words are flashbacks and the blockquote words indicate the diary Yamada wrote. Also, some diaries will have the date written, while others are up to your imagination.

Chinen never imagines this kind of situation would ever happen. He steals a glance at the beautiful older woman beside him. Ryosuke’s mother is still the same. She has that gentle demeanor yet she also has that aura of someone you can’t mess with. 

He can’t remember the last time they stand this close. But a thing for sure, the last time they met, there aren’t any awkwardness between them. Hell, even he also called her ‘mother’ before.

They walk side by side without any words spoken. Chinen only follows her without questioning her, but after some time, he realizes their destination based on the path they have walked on.

Fifteen more minutes and they have arrived. She goes upstairs just like what he expected. The silence between them inside the elevator is quite suffocating, but he can’t deny feeling happy being in that place. The elevator stopped on the 25th floor. There are only five rooms, and it’s also separated quite far so you can have some privacy. The corridor is beautifully decorated, modern, and simple, just like what Ryosuke would like.

She stops in front of the familiar room. 252. The door let out a bell chime which shows that the door is successfully open. Walking in, he could see the spacious room is still the same just like the last time he went there. His 20th birthday picture with JUMP members is still in the hallway corridor.

“You can sit on the sofa, Yuri-chan,” She said, waking Chinen from his trance. She then walks to the kitchen and Chinen quickly does as she told.

The sofa is still the same, but from its condition after four years, it’s obvious that someone cleans it from time to time. There’s almost no dust trace anywhere. Chinen look around and found their pictures on top of the shelf. Their Disneyland date, his 21st birthday date, winter beach date―he could remember how stupid yet fun it was, and their Korea vacation. 

“It’s been a long time, right, Yuri-chan?” his lover’s mother asked, putting two cups of hot tea on the table. Now shifting his glance to the older woman, he could see her gentle smile.

“Yes, aunty” he answered, still taking his words cautiously. The mother only smiles a bit yet her eyes seem sad. Taking some sip of the tea, she starts to straighten herself, signaling she will get into the main reason for their encounter.

“I’m sorry Yuri-chan” she started. When she saw that the young boy didn’t respond, she continued.

“You might be wondering why I suddenly come to meet you after five years…” It’s such a weird sight to see the usual well-spoken woman seem to consider every choice of her words. “I know the last time we met isn’t the best memories at all, I keep rethinking about it especially the last four years.” She stands up and now sitting beside Chinen.

She carefully holds the younger man's hand. The obvious weight loss could be felt through the skinny hand. “Yuri-chan, I know we were harsh on you at that time you two confess about your relationship. To be honest, I always knew that Ryosuke might be in love with you…his affection towards you is getting more and more like something you can’t call “brotherly love”, but I never thought that you two would realize or decide to take any step further.” Her hand starts to tremble as she caresses the boy’s hand. Chinen looks at her in pity, he can understand her reaction at that time, and to see this strong woman apologizing in guilt is heartbreaking. He always respects her as his own mother and his heart hurt to see her like this.

“It’s okay, I understand, Aunty,” he said, putting his other hand on top of her small hands.

“I always treat you like my own son, Yuri-chan. And my son's happiness is my absolute joy. Even after I said you two shouldn’t meet us before you two clear your head, Ryosuke always called me and talk about you. I’m always listening even though I don’t respond to him. I start to accept it but I’m afraid of his father's opinion, so I kept quiet.” The tears started to fall silently on her tired face.

“But when he was watching your group’s show and saw the both of you, he mutters that Ryosuke looks so happy with you. And at that time I knew that he had accepted you two. I can’t deny that I’m so happy and unconsciously waiting for him to say that word.” Chinen who tried to hold his feeling in, can’t hold it in anymore. _Ryosuke’s parents have accepted them._ _His heart soars in happiness until he realizes. But for what? Now that Ryosuke’s not here anymore._ His heart hurt so much it feels like thousands of needles stabbing him. _So much for our simple relationship._

“Yuri-chan, actually I want to tell Ryosuke about this…right on that day. I-I can’t take the guilt anymore. We should have accepted you two earlier…and there won’t be any strain in our relationship.” She starts to sob harder “I can’t believe in his last year I almost never talk to him at all, I miss him so much, my son Ryosuke” The tears stricken down her face and Chinen feel another pang of pain. Knowing his lack of sweetened words, he takes the older woman in his embrace. 

“It’s okay, auntie…Ryosuke must be happy now,” he said in a whisper. “We understand you and even if it is late, knowing you both already have the thoughts to accept us really took the burden in our hearts. I know Ryosuke will agree with me… he loves you both so much” He said in between his small sniffles. He pats the older woman back until the sobs lessen and her breath seems more stable. 

After a while, the woman let go of their hug. Looking at the younger man with her gentle smile, she pats his head gently. “Thank you for always being there for Ryosuke, Yuri-chan…if you have any problem, just come to me. You will always be my other son” Earning the younger smiles, her heart now feels content. Another step ahead to let go of her beloved son. “And, Yuri-chan…please just call me mother like before,” 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He’s now left with the silence of the vacant apartment. Ryosuke’s mother gave him the apartment key, saying _‘I’ve taken care of this apartment for four years, but I think you are the one who deserves to take care of all the stuff. Everything on this apartment is tied to you, Yuri-chan’_

He’s not that often visiting Yamada’s apartment, usually hanging out on his own. But to be there after years, he feels nostalgic from the familiar scenery. His mind starts playing tricks of Ryosuke suddenly popping out of his bedroom in his sleepy state, or even coming out from his bathroom only with a towel on his waist.

Smiling bitterly, Chinen walks along the shelf decorated with their photos. He feels so nostalgic. Every moment inside the photos seems to replay right in front of him. Ryosuke’s happy smile when they ran along the shore with an inch thick jacket and cold winter wind freezing their hands. The usually crowded beach now empty, only filled by their laughter.

Spending hours reminiscing his memories in every photo and stuff in the living room, Chinen then moves to Yamada’s bedroom. The usual odor of Yamada’s perfume now absent, only leaving the smell of rays of sunshine that shined through the curtain. 

By the deep orange color that slips in the room, he could bet that it’s around five or almost six. The room is clean and tidy, with only a small amount of dust layering the desk. On top of it, another photos are neatly placed. One photo clearly steals his attention, it’s the day they both confess their feelings and went on their first date. He could remember Ryosuke’s blushing face when he teases him about his feeling. The first time they held hands―as a couple, and walking along the pavement to his house. Their clumsy yet felt so right first kiss right in front of his house. It was a quick simple kiss but the time seems to stop for an eternity. He also remembers how they hurriedly call each other after arriving home, not wanting the day to end without the other’s company. 

He starts to cry a little, but with his hand, he wipes it off. He takes his fingers down to the shelf. Feeling the small carving on his fingers, he opened the first drawer. It’s filled with Ryosuke’s perfumes and makeup. He smiled naughtily looking at the numerous products. Maybe he can use some if it does not expire yet. And well, to enfold him in Ryosuke’s scent.

The second drawer is filled with Ryosuke’s accessories. Watches, bracelets, necklaces, and also rings. A lot of them are coupled accessories with him. Though now he rarely wears them. The other person is not here anymore, so why using matching accessories? But, there’s one that he can’t ever let go. The first ring Ryosuke gifted him on his 20th birthday. His hand unconsciously stroking the simple yet elegant ring which adorned his right ring finger. 

He opens the last drawer and found various kinds of stuff. Pouches, more photos, also books. He almost closes it again when his eyes caught one book which piqued his interest. A black leather book with a simple silver strap. He never saw it before. The other books are comics and some small journals, but this book somehow looks personal. Chinen took it and sit on the queen-size bed in the middle of the room. 

_“Ryosukee, I’m so tiredd~” The younger slumps down on the soft mattress after their ten rounds of games. He sprawled his limbs all over the bed, not leaving any space for the older._

_“Move Yuri, you’re taking too much space” Yamada sigh as he tried to push Chinen, trying to fit his bigger physique besides the younger. Only a few seconds he lied down in his small space, Chinen naughtily push Yamada out of the bed. Yamada was caught off guard and fall face-first onto the floor._

_“What the hell, Yuri?!” Yamada was annoyed. He only wanted to sleep after his hard work of defeating Chinen in games―which takes quite a long time. The naughty squirrel only smiled innocently at him “Hehe sorry, I didn’t realize you were there”_

_Yamada sighed louder if that even possible, “You little devil” he mutters. Once again he tried to get onto the bed. But this time he dropped his body on top of Chinen who was facing upwards. He nuzzles into the crook of Chinen’s neck. He started to squirm because of the ticklish feeling but Yamada held him down. Yamada’s arms are beside his body, only supporting a bit of his weight so they could feel each other body through the thin clothing. The sensation of his lover’s strong and warm body is not helping when his left ear was nibbled softly by the older. Chinen lost it when Yamada sucking on his neck, leaving his mark again. Yamada moved his body upwards to meet Chinen wanting face. The younger eyes are dark with lust, reddish hue adorned his face. They kissed wantonly, both fighting over for dominance. Chinen put his arms on the older neck, trying to get him even closer._

_Now their excitement are visible, tiredness was long forgotten. Only desire and lust filled their silent chant of love “Who’s the devil now, you stupid” Chinen grumbled after they pulled apart. The older only smirk “But you love me anyway” he said before continuing their late activity._

Chinen blushed after remembering their usual activity on the said bed. Trying to clear his mind, he checks the almost forgotten book.

When he checks the few first pages, he realizes that it’s a diary. The diary seems to start from Yamada’s 16th birthday. Chinen is in dilemma, he’s afraid he will invade Yamada’s personal space. He almost closes the book back but then he saw something interesting. 

> _Starting from here, this diary might only consist of Chinen Yuri. _

That’s what it says in small neatly writing on top of the third page. His curiosity gets ahead of him. He can’t help but wondering what Ryosuke would write about him. 

> _November xx, 2009_
> 
> _These days feel so hectic. It feels like I will pass out from exhaustion. Photoshoot, drama filming, stage performances, dance practice, and school. Gaining new experiences is always a good thing, but sometimes I wonder if I can survive. Today I met Yuma and Chinen, discussing our upcoming performance in one of the most awaited music shows, Kohaku Uta Gassen. Yuma and Chinen are discussing the dance when I can’t hold my eyes open anymore. When I woke up, it’s not on the cold table anymore, but on the sofa in the meeting room. Chinen came to me and told me to eat the bento he bought. He said I slept while murmuring the drama dialogue and he thinks it’s funny. He laughed loudly and my heart goes “kyuun” all of a sudden. It’s been happening lately, and I’m wondering what happened. These days Chinen looks incredibly cute and I can’t take my eyes off him. He said that he waits a long time for me to wake up to go home together as he pouts cutely. Now my heart goes “kyuun” again. Does this feeling related to what I’m thinking about?_

Chinen remembers that evening. Yamada came to the meeting room really tired and pale. That’s why when he fell asleep he didn’t let anyone bother him. He had asked the staff to help him move Yamada onto the sofa. Yuma had left at 7 pm, as well as the staff who have other tasks to do. He bought a bento box and wait for Yamada to woke up until 9 pm. When Yamada woke up, he looks fresher and Chinen felt so relieved. They walk home together, though the older seem to gaze at him a lot, and talking less. 

Chinen skimmed through the other records. Yamada doesn’t write every day. A lot of time skips, but true to his words, from the third page it always mentioned him. Day by day, there’s an occasion that makes him more convinced about his feelings.

> _January 16, 2011_
> 
> _Today we had a concert in Osaka. I just confessed to Chinen publicly. For the fans and Chinen, I might only do the usual fanservice of our supposedly ‘ship couple’, but to be honest I almost choked on my words when I screamed my love to him. I realize that it’s the only thing I want to say since before. How I want to tell him I really love him and want him to be mine. The way Chinen blushed as I hugged him afterward―can I have the pleasure to dream? That he might have the same feelings as me? But I’m afraid I will lose him if it’s all only in my head._

Chinen could remember clearly that event. At first, he only wants to tease Yamada and maybe spice things up for the fans. Unexpectedly, Yamada reacts to it so romantically that he almost got weak on the knees. His heart thumped so hard, so embarrassed yet happy―though he didn’t dare to take the words into his heart. Chinen had cherished Yamada for a long time, even when they haven’t met. The first time he saw the boy performed, gleam with confidence, he wants to stand beside him. It’s only an adoration at first, but it keeps growing to the feeling he used to state as _a forbidden feeling_. He wants to be with him, but the world they’re in isn’t kind. Same-sex relationships are still being frowned upon. Even though lots of their fans shipped them, he’s sure that they will turn their backs if they’re ‘real’. And how dare he dream when he’s convinced Yamada only likes him as a friend? 

He had heard about Yamada’s insecurity of his feelings at the start of their relationship. Much like him, they were both afraid and didn’t dare to convey their true feelings. Though they can’t deny the string that pulls them closer. They’re always together, unconsciously already do the ‘lover alike’ relationship, that there’s almost nothing different in their relationship other than putting the specific label into their relationship and additional love confessions.

Reading Yamada’s diary, tracing every insecurity and struggle he wrote filled him with feelings. Various emotions tug at his heart, that it’s almost overwhelming. To see Yamada’s most raw feelings, without any filter, especially about him. He knew that Yamada really loves him, he won’t dare to question it, but it still left him speechless to find a diary dedicated to him.

> _xxx xx, xxxx_
> 
> _Today I spent some time with the members. I only had one work in the morning, so we spent lunch together. Chinen wears a white sweater and a necklace adorned his pale neck. He looked so cute and handsome at the same time, I just hope that he doesn’t realize my obvious lovestruck gaze. He sat beside me and I could smell his usual cologne which I’m kinda addicted to. I really can’t stop staring at how cute he’s munching on his food. I almost embarrass myself when he called out my name and I’m still frozen in my spot. “Why are you looking at me? Is there some food on my face?” You asked. I almost blurt out that you literally have something on your face….absolute beauty which always bewitched me. But of course, I can’t say that..it’s kinda cheesy._
> 
> _After our lunch, the other members have works and things to do, so it leaves us both. Chinen said he wanted to watch a movie, so like usual we go out together, or if in my word ‘a date’. Unexpectedly the movie was a romance movie, and all I want to do is hold his hand. He even cried in the sad scenes, another thing I didn’t expected. But the next thing he did really left me speechless, Chinen hug me sideways while sobbing softly. Following my first instinct, I hug him back, patting his back while I had a chance to be that close._
> 
> _After that movie, we had some desserts while Chinen rumbling about the plot. “Don’t you think it’s really sad, Ryosuke? They fell in love but can’t be together because of their own insecurity… and they didn’t even have the chance to convey it.” I only nod to your question because I was concerned for your tears-streaked face. “Do you ever think if you ever be in that position?” The next question makes my heart skips a beat. If only he knew, I said in my mind. I didn’t have the time to filter my mind when I blurted yes. Seeing your confused face I decided to spill my feelings a bit. “I’m also afraid and didn’t have the courage to confess,” I said. Maybe it’s only in my head but I saw Chinen’s face looks sad for a second. “Why don’t you confess Ryosuke? I don’t think anyone will reject you” he said, “but I still remember you said you love me the most in this whole world! How dare you cheat on me!” he said with a teasing smile. “Yes, I did say that, and it will never change”_
> 
> _Ugh, I can’t believe I was so cheesy. Why did I even wrote this embarrassing dialogue? Well whatever, I need to record everything about Chinen._
> 
> _I’m kinda shocked with how easily I suddenly blurt out all of this. Maybe the feelings which bundled up, your handsome appearances, and the romance movie that day kinda affected me. Your confused and shocked face is so cute that I can’t think straight and said “I do love you, Yuri.” Just like that public confession, Chinen blushed madly and seem to lost his words. He’s silent for a moment, asking me if I’m joking numerous times before he said “I will kick you if you only joking around, but I love you too Ryosuke” His smile that time was the most beautiful smile I ever saw. I almost cried at how my supposed to be unrequited love suddenly reciprocated. We had a real date after that, holding hands inside my coat, eating dinner together. You look so happy eating that gyoza we tried on a whim but unexpectedly delicious. You keep teasing about my weird confession but I can’t help but feel so happy. You cling to me when we walk along the pavement to your house. And when we arrived in front of your house, I can’t help it anymore and kiss you. I might look like a jerk, kissing their date on the first day but I keep dreaming about this day. Your lips really felt soft like what I expected, though a bit cold because of the weather and I intend to make you warmer by kissing you more. You kissed me back and I could feel my heart thumping so loud in my chest. We also call each other once I arrived home. I said honestly that I don’t want the day to end and I missed you already._
> 
> _I still can’t believe all of this happened in one day. My confession was really weird when I read it again. I still can’t believe that Yuri likes me too, and he even accepted me even though my confession was so weird and awkward. Thank you so much, Yuri. From this day on, I will cherish and love you more. I can’t imagine my future without you anymore, my best friend, my lover, my everything. I can’t wait for the future where I will spend it with you beside me._

After reading the last few paragraphs, hot tears start to stream down Chinen’s face. His heart aches so much. His mind replaying every event he had spent with Yamada. _He misses him. His best friend, rival, first love, lover, and soulmate. His everything, his Ryosuke._ He cried onto the bed, loud sobbing sounds muffled down by the sheets. The pain he has held in all these years now broke his façade. 

“I miss you Ryosuke, I miss you, I miss you, why did you leave me?” He wailed loudly. The painful sobs filled the whole room. His heart sting, his eyes burn. The only thing he wants now is to see his Ryosuke and to spend more years ahead together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yamada is so cute writing a diary dedicated to Chinen <3


	4. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There’s nothing that would make me happier other than being with you, Ryosuke” Chinen had said. Yamada took out another ring for Chinen to put it on him as he sealed their vow with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note; the blockquote words indicate the diary, and the italic words usually indicate Chinen's own thoughts.

The sunshine falls softly on the face of the man who sleeps in his cries. His body feels so heavy, head throbbing, eyes sting, throat dry, and his heart broken. Chinen tried to wake up slowly from the tear-stained sheets. He realizes he had fallen asleep while crying his heart out when reading Yamada’s diary. 

The diary lay helplessly beside him. The bare leather cover hiding the fragility of feelings inside. His heart clenched once again when he stands up and found himself surrounded by Yamada’s stuff. Though it saddens him, he can’t help but long for the needed existence of the older in any form. 

Checking through his schedule he realizes he needs to get ready quickly before the photoshoots in two hours. Another hard work for the makeover to hide his puffy eyes. He gets back to his apartment which is located quite far, but fortunately, the traffic isn’t bad. He only takes his stuff then took a bath before going to the company.

The staffs look at him in concern when he steps into the room looking so weary and disarrayed, plus his eyes so swollen. But they didn’t dare to ask, only doing their work cautiously. The makeover staff does his makeup and costume when one of the staff, one he’s familiar with―she’s been with JUMP from their third year, give him a coffee and an onigiri. “Chinen-kun, please have some. You look so tired” she said with worry clear on her face. Feeling grateful for the attention, Chinen thanked her and eat his breakfast.

The photoshoot only lasts for a few hours, fortunately. He’s afraid he has to do a lot of reshot because his mind is still in a mess. Though the photoshoot ended, he remembered that he still has another schedule with JUMP. He walks quickly because there’s only one hour left. Getting another quick lunch from the minimarket, he eats it hastily as the staff prepared him. 

The other members look so energetic, and he could feel it’s kinda affected him. The positive aura from the other recharges him and cleared his mind from depressive thoughts. Again, he feels grateful that they’re all here with him. He had said before that he really cherish them and hoped that they will be always together as a team. He didn’t lie, JUMP have helped him stay on his ground when Yamada left, along with his family. Chinen could remember the way they will visit him, taking him out on dinner, playing games together, everything they could do to prevent him from being alone. He didn’t know what he would do if they’re not there with him.

The show then begins and running smoothly. They had a good laugh from each other stupid antics. Though, after it ended, they all have different schedules and have to be separated. Chinen didn’t have any work left so he decided to go back home. When he’s on the way home he realizes there’s something he still wants to do. Changing his destination, he spends 30 minutes to the said place.

Another day he spent in Yamada’s apartment, looking through his things and cleaning them. He didn’t forget to read another page of the diary. Spending the evening there before going back to his apartment at night. 

> _xxx xx xxxx_
> 
> _Me and Yuri went to the theme park today. He always wanted to go there, so me being the best boyfriend ever will grant his wishes. He wore a brown-colored v neck and cream outer. I can’t believe how amazing he looked. He’s so handsome and gorgeous. We got some lunch and then started our adventures. We just began, but he immediately chose the scary rides…This little devil, he’s lucky that I love him. But it’s quite nice to see him being attentive and taking care of me like this. When I rest and lay my head on his thigh, he patted my head softly. I look at him smiling at me sweetly. Gosh, how I want to kiss him right at that spot. It’s one of the happiest dates we ever had._

Chinen also loves that day. It was one of their sweetest dates. He purposefully chose that scary rides which Yamada hates. And well, Yamada can’t deny him. He remembered how Yamada holds his hand tightly in every ride. He also remembered how Yamada leaned and asking for his attention when he feels kinda sick from the rides. He loves it, he loves how he can take care of his Ryosuke. 

He flips another page and found the event which affected them both. That day he tried to be stronger for Yamada. It hurt his heart to see him break apart. They really hope their family would accept them, but unfortunately, it’s not that easy.

> _xxx xx xxxx_
> 
> _Today I invited Yuri’s family to our family summer party. After contemplating for years, we have decided to tell our parents. In our simple but ‘unusual’ relationship we really hope our parents would support us. Yesterday we had a date as we plan the whole thing. But unfortunately, it still wasn’t going smoothly. Mother going furious while dad looked disappointed. At that time, it feels like the world has split into two for me. Yuri’s family didn’t talk much, and it frightened me of what was going in their mind. Mom sorta drove us away so we went to Yuri’s apartment. I cried and Yuri tried to console me. He’s always being more rationalistic than me, so I’m really glad we’re together. I believed his words that we still have time to convince them. I’ll talk to my family because I believe that the right decision for me is to be with Yuri, from then, now, and forever._

He remembered that Ryosuke’s mother told him that Ryosuke always called and talk about him. Ryosuke really loves and trusts him, that he never gives up on them. This thought, unfortunately, hurt him again, the fact that they had struggled, but when they are almost on the finishing line, he’s gone. Ryosuke had left him. Leaving him alone with the longing and hopeful thoughts of the never-come true future.

Days went by. Chinen going back to the apartment almost every day. Either to read Yamada’s diary or simply to get any forms of Yamada’s presence beside him. Even though the youngest never talks about it, the members start to notice his new behavior. He tends to get home quickly and coming late with swollen eyes.

Chinen has getting better these last two years but it seems that something had turned him back to point zero. They tried to talk to him, but they need the right time for it, yet their busy and different schedule made them always separated.

Another day for Chinen coming to Yamada’s apartment. It’s already late at night, but he feels the urge to read another page of the older feeling record. He quickly takes off his jacket and dumps it in the dirty clothes basket. The weather is getting worse these days and it sometimes rains. These last few weeks have been raining, fortunately, light rain. Rainy days still make him sleep in nightmares, he hardly sleeps for more than three hours. The accident still fresh on his mind, haunting him and waking him up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down his face.

But whenever he came to Yamada’s apartment, he felt safe. His nightmare lessens and he could breaths in relief. It warms his heart to see the apartment getting livelier with his constant presence there. His stuff has blended with Ryosuke, the sight that he was so used to in the past.

The vacant bedroom now smelled like Yamada’s signature perfume. He’s been using it nowadays as well and he sprayed some of it in the bedroom. Sometimes he will sneak a nap there and imagining himself sleeping beside Yamada, the pillow smelled like the older, and it took him seconds to sleep in serenity.

He’s now reading another page of the diary, relishing another memory with his lover through the record. He smiled when he read another memorable date Yamada had written there.

> _xxx xx xxxx_
> 
> _I have always wanted to go on an overseas vacation with Yuri. I checked his schedule, and when I found out he has four days off I quickly tell my manager to cancel my work. I persuade him to go with me to Korea for four days, and he said YES. I’m so happy to spend days alone with him. I pack my things joyfully, thinking of every moment I could have with him. And of course, we would have fun in the night too. Oh, I’m getting more excited now._

Chinen smiled widely reading the detailed report of their four days vacation. From their way to the airport, the flight, breakfast, and down to the night. Though he didn’t write explicitly about their night. He also remembered that Yamada had a record and take a lot of photos from their vacation. He might check where Yamada put to keep the files another day.

He read other diaries and he could feel his eyes getting heavier. He drops his tired body on top of the bed, maybe reading another one for before his bedtime story. He positions himself ready to sleep and read the journals.

> _xxx xx xxxx_
> 
> _I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Yuri and I have been together for a long time. His parents had acknowledged us months after we confessed about our relationship. Though we’re pessimistic before because of the lack of their reaction on that day. They had told Yuri that they knew that he’s happy with me, and they will support us through everything. Been quite a long time since I had met my parents, but I called my mom sometimes. I always talk about Yuri and even though she really objects our relationship, nowadays she seems to stay and listen to my story. If she hates it she will say it straightforwardly, but seeing her reaction I’m quite positive that she starts to accept us. I’m still not sure about my father, but for now, my mother's acceptance is enough._
> 
> _And because of this, I had decided to take things a step further. We had our couple rings and other matching stuff, but now I want something that will prove our bond of love. I’m thinking of buying Yuri a ring, a more serious meaning one―if I said it bluntly….an engagement ring? Though I don’t know if we ever really wed each other legally, I’ve been dreaming of living together with him, far away from the bustle of the city. And this ring might be the proof of our faithful love. Something that will bind the two of us._
> 
> _I’ve found the perfect ring, and I can’t wait to see Yuri’s reaction when I give it to him. Maybe I’ll give him the ring after I finished my film. I really hope we can celebrate it together and spend the next few days together._
> 
> _I can’t wait for it._

Chinen woke up abruptly from the loud alarm on his phone. He’s taken aback when he check that it’s the fifth snooze of the alarm he set on his phone. He has another schedule for today with the members of JUMP and he needs to get there in one hour. He prepared himself quickly but when he almost out, he realized the bad weather outside. The clouds are dark and the rain starts to pour. Another bad luck downed upon him. He realizes he had dumped his jacket, it was soaked by the rain and he can’t use it. He sighed in frustration, the rain is getting heavier, time getting shorter, his jacket dirty, and no available umbrellas in Yamada’s apartment. He actually planned to go back to his own apartment before going to his work, to get a new jacket and maybe some other stuff. But, screw his exhaustion that he overslept. He almost runs outside, giving up to his fate, but then he realizes he could use one of Yamada’s jacket.

Going back to the bedroom, he checks the wardrobe and found the numerous jackets he could use. He saw one that Yamada often wears and he decided to use that. Wearing your lover's favorite outfits is always a good thing right?

He ran and get there quickly, arrived in time for the makeover staff preparing him. The jacket was hanged on the hanger. It’s another good day for their work, though he could saw the concern in the members' eyes. After four hours they had finished it nicely. The members are lazying around the room, still tired from their hectic schedules.

“By the way, are you guys free?” Yuto breaks the silence inside the room, gaining the other’s attention.

“I’m free, why? Wanna hang out?” Inoo said. The other members also say that they’re free and Yuya’s work is canceled. So they had decided to spend the evening together, maybe have some nice dinner rather than a bento box from minimarket and then going to someone’s house. It’s also to substitute the failed afternoon plan the day Yamada’s mother appeared.

They all walk along the quiet street to find a good restaurant, on purpose going to a deserted place to avoid unwanted attention. They all had a good dinner, chattering loudly, and having fun together. 

Once again Chinen feels like the hole inside his heart being filled. When they’re together he’s not feeling lonely and lost, though their busy schedule prevents them from going out together often.

They had decided to go to Yabu’s place which the closest from their current location. Going out and walking along the pavement, Chinen walks behind, taking in the view of the other member's overjoyed face. 

He tightens his jacket and put his left hand inside the pocket to search for some warmth on cold hands. The sky is cloudy all day and no warmth emanating from the sun. At that moment he froze, he could feel something round with a slick surface inside the pocket. He’s similar with the object, often wearing it in his daily use. His mind starts to replay the writing he read last night before he fell asleep. Taken aback, he took the object and studied it. 

A silver ring with a winding on one side. The metal twists together to form a simple yet elegant touch. It’s different. Though they had a few rings, it’s always something simple you could find in the usual jewelry store―or even from the sidewalk stores. But this one, it seems so elegant and sacred, something like you would use to bind someone in a more intimate relationship. He twirls the ring in his finger and his heart almost drops when he finds the initial R & Y delicately carved on the inside.

> _I’ve found the perfect ring, and I can’t wait to see Yuri’s reaction when I give it to him._

Chinen stood frozen in his place, quite further away from the other when suddenly, a loud rumble wakes him up. The already dark clouds getting worse, and another heavy stream of rain pouring down on them. They start to run along the pavement, trying to search for a shelter.

Yuya who realized Chinen far away behind them and without an umbrella shouts at him.

“Chinen, come here! You’ll get sick if you only use that jacket’s hood in this storm!” He said. He’s using a dark purple umbrella and intending the younger to use it with him.

Chinen replied with an okay and intended to go to the older side. He tried to put back the ring inside the pocket, deciding to stress over it after he had come back to his place. But his mind has gone awry with many thoughts and another tears threaten to fall off his eyes. Unfortunately, the ring slips from his hand, rather than safely kept in the pocket, it falls off and rolled onto the roadway. He frantically tried to catch it, but the heavy rain creates a current which takes the ring away.

He run to the street, his mind only searching for that one thing. The ring which Ryosuke intended to give him. The ring which will bound the two of them in a special relationship. A sacred ring that took them another step ahead to gain eternal happiness. Yuya and other’s shouts are hidden by the thunder rumble.

_It’s there, just a little bit._ He thoughts when the sound of tires screeching deafening his ears. He knows that, he’s familiar with that sound. He had heard it when the last time he called Ryosuke. But the force that threw his body off isn’t familiar. The members' shouts sounded so distant. His mind getting hazy. He hit the sideroad right at his head, the rain harshly hit his face. And he could feel something warm seeping out of his head. In his slightly unconscious state, he feels relieved to sense the small round object inside his grip.

_“You little devil, how could you came so quick?” A familiar voice rings in his head. He might be dreaming right now because the face that he misses for four years now appear right in front of him._

_“Ryosuke?”_

“Chinen! Oh my God! Are you okay?!” Yabu asks in panic, the youngest of their group laying helplessly on the side of the road. The driver which hit Chinen is also in a panic, he frantically tried to call the hospital. He had driven quite fast to go to his meeting, and unfortunately, he hadn’t seen the man running on the street because of the storm.

_“First, you read my diary without consent, and now you found out the supposedly surprise gift?” Yamada smiled in a teasing smile. The younger felt like he fell in love all over again, and he’s speechless._

_"Though because I love you, I would forgive you. Here, give me the ring” Chinen gives the ring to Yamada which earns a gentle smile from the older. The older slips the finger into the younger left ring finger and then bring it up to kiss it softly._

_"Are you happy?” Yamada asks._

_Chinen might be dreaming but to have this kind of dream, he didn't want to wake up._

The ambulance seems to come so late, while Chinen seems to get farther away. They tried to do anything to help the younger but the harsh force from the crash had affected him greatly. A similar accident flashed onto their mind, the same horror and condolences they had to go through after their member and best friend left them. The distant voice from the ambulance gives them another hope. Hoping the youngest could hold on until he gets his proper treatment.

_“There’s nothing that would make me happier other than being with you, Ryosuke” Chinen had said. Yamada took out another ring for Chinen to put it on him as he sealed their vow with a kiss._

And just like that, another beloved member of the infamous group had left the world. Leaving his best friend, family, and fans in despair. Another years to mourn for they who were left behind, but eternal years of happiness for the couple in their timeless safe place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think about this fic? It might still seem messy and uninteresting because it's the longest fic I've managed to finish. But I hope at least you enjoyed it <3
> 
> Btw, I just come back to this fandom and I have no friends, so please kindly be my friend, my Twitter is @feelinblueday  
> Oh, and I will also post this fic in my Wattpad account under the same username.  
> That's all I can say for now, if you've read until the last part, thank you so much <3


End file.
